Бесплатный фрагмент - Loneliness as a resource

Alexey Goldman
LONELINESS AS A RESOURCE

Chapter 1: Lonely vs. Being Alone — What’s the Difference?

This chapter is the foundation of the entire book. Its goal is to clearly distinguish between two concepts we often confuse: the destructive feeling of loneliness and the mindful, resourceful practice of solitude. We will help the reader see that the problem isn’t being alone itself, but rather our perception of this state.

The reader will understand the root of their anxiety related to loneliness. They will learn to clearly identify when they are “suffering from loneliness” and when they are consciously “spending time with themselves.” This knowledge will lift a huge weight of internal tension and open the door to positive change.

Why this matters: Until we understand the difference, we are fighting a shadow, not the real problem. The fear of being alone is often stronger than the actual state of solitude. By breaking it down, we strip it of its power.

Dear reader! I am so glad you’ve picked up this book. It’s already a brave and important step to admit that the topic of loneliness is relevant for you and to want to understand it. Let’s begin this journey together in a kind and supportive way.

Tell me, does this sound familiar: you come home, close the door, and a wave of silence washes over you. Not a peaceful one, but a heavy, oppressive silence. You turn on the TV or endlessly scroll through social media feeds, just to fill the space with something. You’re not necessarily bored, but there’s a vague unease, a slight sadness, a feeling that you’re missing out on something “out there.” This state can be described with the word: “LONELY.”

Now, does this other scenario happen? You know in advance that your evening will be free. You cancel all plans (or happily never make them), brew yourself a nice cup of tea, pick up a long-awaited book, or simply sit by the window to watch the rain. You feel good, calm, you are enjoying the moment. You aren’t waiting for a call or a message. You are fully present, here and now. This state is — “BEING ALONE.”

Do you feel the difference? In the first case, we feel a lack of connection with others, a certain emptiness we urgently try to fill with something. In the second — we consciously choose our own company to recharge, to listen to ourselves, to do what we truly enjoy.

So why do we so often confuse these two states? Because our psyche is wired to interpret solitude as a signal of danger. Thousands of years ago, for a human to be exiled from the tribe, to be left alone, was a death sentence. This ancient instinct is still within us: “Being alone = bad, dangerous.” But the modern world has changed. We now have secure homes, food in the fridge, and the ability to contact anyone at any moment. There is no physical threat in solitude. Yet that ancient “alarm system” keeps going off.

Our task is not to disable it completely, but to recalibrate it. To give the brain new, positive examples that time spent alone with oneself is not a punishment, but a gift.

Practical Tips and Techniques:

Exercise: “The Two Chairs” (A Boundary-Setting Technique)

What to do: Set up two chairs facing each other. Sit on one and imagine that your feeling of “I am lonely” is sitting on the other. Talk to it. Ask: “What do you want from me? Why have you come? What are you afraid of?” Write down the answers that come to mind (e.g., “I’m afraid I’m not needed by anyone,” “I’m bored,” “I feel empty”).

Now, switch to the other chair. You are now your “I am good with myself” state. From this role, respond to the fears that were just voiced. (e.g., “I am here to show you that you are your own best friend,” “Boredom is the beginning of creativity, let’s find you something interesting to do,” “Emptiness is space for something new”).

Why it works: This is a method from Gestalt therapy. It helps you objectify and separate yourself from an unproductive feeling, externalize it, and look at it from the outside. This strips it of its emotional power over you and allows you to find counterarguments from the resourceful part of your personality.

Keeping a “State of Mind Journal”

What to do: For one week, every evening, briefly note:

Situation: When did I feel lonely today? (e.g., “came back from work to an empty apartment”).

Thoughts: What was I thinking at that moment? (“Everyone else has plans with friends, and I don’t.”).

Feelings: What did I feel physically and emotionally? (Tightness in my chest, wanted to turn on a TV series to distract myself).

Alternative: Was there a moment today when I felt good alone? What was I doing? (“Read a book for an hour in the evening, and it felt very cozy”).

Why it works: This method is from Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). It teaches you mindfulness and helps identify triggers — the situations and automatic thoughts that launch feelings of distress. By comparing the two states within a single day, you visually see that “being alone” can be pleasant, and you start to notice patterns.

Example: Imagine two people in the exact same situation: a Saturday evening with no plans.

Anna thinks: “Everyone has something to do, and I’m all alone. There must be something wrong with me. I’m a loser.” She feels anxious, turns on the TV, and simultaneously scrolls through social media, seeing her friends’ happy faces. Her evening passes in anguish and self-recrimination.

Maxim thinks: “Yes! Finally, I can breathe and have some time to myself. No need to go anywhere.” He happily cooks himself dinner, then sits down to work on a model ship he’s been putting off. He is completely immersed in the process and feels satisfied.

The situation is the same, but the reactions are opposite. It’s all about the mindset. Our goal is to gradually shift from Anna’s model to Maxim’s model.

Remember: The goal is not to always want to be alone. The goal is to gain a choice. So you can be with people when you want connection, and remain in harmony with yourself when you want solitude. Without the guilt and the ache.

In the next chapter, we will talk about your main ally on this path — silence. We will learn not to fear it, but to hear ourselves within it.

Chapter 2: Silence is Not the Enemy. Why Are We Afraid of It?

Main idea of the chapter: This chapter delves into one of the main reasons we flee from solitude — the fear of silence and the absence of external stimuli. We will explore why modern humans are so terrified of being alone with their thoughts and will offer gentle techniques to befriend silence and hear our inner voice within it, rather than just anxious noise.

The reader will understand the mechanism of their dependence on constant “information noise” and realize its cost. They will receive concrete, step-by-step tools to start introducing doses of beneficial, healing silence into their life, starting small and gradually increasing.

Why this matters: Silence is a prerequisite for hearing yourself. As long as we are constantly surrounded by noise (music, podcasts, TV, social media), our inner voice simply can’t break through the cacophony. It gets drowned out. By mastering silence, we gain access to our intuition, our true desires, and our creative ideas.

In the previous chapter, we agreed that our goal is not to fight loneliness, but to learn to be at peace with ourselves. And the first, most important step on this path is to stop being afraid of silence.

What do we do when we feel that wave of melancholy about to hit? That’s right — we grab our phone, turn on music, a podcast, the TV — anything to create background noise, to fill the space with something. We are used to being constantly in a flow of information, sounds, and images. Our nervous system is constantly stimulated. And when this flow suddenly stops, we experience real withdrawal. We are seized by anxiety, we feel uneasy. Silence seems ominous, frightening, oppressive.

Why does this happen? There are several reasons:

Running from Ourselves. Deep down, we may be afraid that if we are left alone with our thoughts, we will hear something unpleasant: criticism, doubts, fears, regrets. It’s easier to drown out this inner voice than to meet it face to face.

A Culture of Noise. We live in a world that worships productivity, activity, and constant busyness. Being always connected, always in the know, has become a social norm. Silence and inactivity are perceived in this system as laziness, as falling out of the common rhythm.

Habit. Our brain is a great optimizer. It quickly gets used to constant stimulation. For it, the transition from noise to silence is like walking abruptly out of a dark basement into bright sunlight. It needs time to adapt.

But let’s look at silence from another angle. Silence is not emptiness. Silence is space. Space for something new. Imagine a room cluttered with old things. Until you clear some space, you can’t bring in anything new, beautiful, or useful. It’s the same with our heads. As long as they are constantly filled with other people’s thoughts, music, news, and voices, there’s simply no room for our own ideas, creative impulses, and true desires.

Silence is a way to clear inner space.

Practical Tips and Techniques:

The “One Minute of Silence” Technique

What to do: Set aside one minute a day. Sit in a comfortable position. You can set a timer so you don’t have to watch the clock. And just be silent. Don’t try not to think about anything or meditate. Your task is simply to be in silence. Allow thoughts to come and go; don’t latch onto them. Just listen to the silence around you. Chances are, it will feel uncomfortable at first. You’ll count the seconds, you’ll want to stop. This is normal.

Why it works: You are doing a very important thing — you are accustoming your nervous system to a new, unfamiliar state of calm. Just one minute is a safe, manageable dose. Like a vaccine. Gradually (after a week), you can increase the time to two or three minutes. You are training your “silence muscle.”

“Quiet Rituals”

What to do: Pair silence with a simple, pleasant, and habitual action. This will lower anxiety.

Morning coffee or tea in silence. Don’t pick up your phone. Just drink your beverage, look out the window, observe your sensations.

A walk without headphones. Walk through a park without listening to podcasts. Pay attention to the sounds of nature: birds singing, the wind rustling, leaves crunching. Observe people, but without judgment.

Why it works: By linking silence with a pleasant and ordinary action, you create new positive neural pathways. The brain begins to associate silence not with anxiety, but with relaxation and pleasure.

The “Sound Anchoring” Technique (Anchoring Yourself in the Moment with Sound)

What to do: When you feel anxiety rising in the silence, switch your attention to external, neutral sounds. Mentally name them, like a narrator: “I hear the hum of the refrigerator. I hear a car driving by outside. I hear my neighbor’s door creak.”

Why it works: This mindfulness practice brings you back from the world of anxious thoughts into reality, into the present moment. It shows you that right here, right now, everything is calm. There is no immediate threat. This calms the nervous system.

Example: Imagine you’ve gone to bed, and suddenly the power goes out in the house. All the familiar background noises (the computer’s hum, the LED lights) disappear. At first, you get scared and listen intently. But after a few minutes, you start to hear other, quieter sounds: your own breathing, your heartbeat, the bed creaking. You start to feel your body, your presence. You return to yourself. This is exactly the effect we want to achieve — not in extreme conditions, but in everyday life.

Don’t demand long hours of complete silence from yourself right away. Start small. With one minute. With one cup of tea. Allow silence to become your friend, not your enemy. It is the space where the real you resides.

And in the next chapter, we will look at how great people of the past used this space and understand that we are not discovering America, but following in the footsteps of sages, creators, and scientists.

Chapter 3: A Brief History of Solitude: From Monks to Creative Geniuses

Main idea of the chapter: This chapter aims to normalize the practice of solitude by showing its deep historical and cultural roots. The reader will see that the desire for solitude is not a personal quirk or weakness, but a time-tested tradition that has always been associated with wisdom, strength, and creative breakthroughs.

The reader will gain historical context that will help them shift their perception of solitude from a “social failure” to a “conscious choice of a strong personality.” They will find inspiration in the examples of famous figures and understand that time alone is not time wasted, but an investment in oneself.

Why this matters: When we feel we are going against the accepted norm (and today’s norm is to be always “online” and visible), we start to think something is wrong with us. Knowing that the most respected figures in history consciously sought solitude gives us moral support and “permission” to do the same.

In the previous two chapters, we focused a lot on your personal experience. Now, let’s take a brief look into history. This will help us understand one simple but very important thing: the desire to spend time alone is a completely natural and, moreover, a noble part of human nature.

In all eras and across all cultures, there have been people who understood the value of solitude. They didn’t run from the world out of fear; they consciously turned inward to find something greater.

Sages and Hermits. Think of Eastern philosophers, Christian hermits, and Sufi dervishes. They retreated to deserts, forests, and mountains precisely to know themselves, God, and the universe in silence and seclusion. They saw solitude not as exile, but as an opportunity for the deepest inner growth. Their seclusion was an active work on their spirit.

Scientists and Inventors. Great discoveries are often born not in noisy laboratories, but in the quiet of private studies. A prime example is Isaac Newton. In 1665, when the plague ravaged London, the University of Cambridge closed, and Newton was forced to return to his home village, where he spent nearly two years in isolation. He himself called this period of solitude the “most productive time” of his life. It was then that he laid the foundations for calculus, made discoveries in optics, and, as legend has it, formulated the law of universal gravitation after seeing an apple fall from a tree. His solitude became the catalyst for a scientific revolution.

Writers and Artists. Creativity is the most obvious product of solitude. To create something unique and personal, one must immerse themselves in their inner world. Leo Tolstoy secluded himself at his Yasnaya Polyana estate, where his great novels were born in quiet harmony with nature. Fyodor Dostoevsky wrote his finest works in solitary labor. Composer Ludwig van Beethoven took long, lonely walks through the forest, drawing inspiration for his music even after he lost his hearing. For them, solitude was a workshop where masterpieces are created.

What do a monk, a scientist, and an artist have in common? They all used solitude as a resource. They transformed pause, silence, and the absence of external stimuli into fuel for their development, their discoveries, and their creativity.

They didn’t just sit idly by. Their solitude was active:

Self-reflection (introspection): Asking themselves important questions and searching for answers.

Contemplation: Deep observation of nature, the world, and ideas.

Focused work: Deep immersion in a single task without distractions.

They showed that the greatest things are often born in silence, not in bustle.

Practical Tips and Techniques:

Exercise: “Find Your Guide”

What to do: Think of a famous historical figure, scientist, writer, philosopher, or even a fictional character who, in your opinion, drew strength from solitude. Read about their life, their habits, their daily routine. Answer the questions: How did they organize their space? How did they spend their time alone? What did they gain from it?

Why it works: This exercise creates a positive role model. Your solitude ceases to be an abstract concept and is filled with concrete, inspiring examples. You understand that by seeking solitude, you are joining a “club” of great minds.

Creating a “Personal Solitude Manifesto”

What to do: Take a piece of paper and write a short text in your own words. Formulate why you personally need and value time alone. Describe what benefits you want to derive from it (e.g., “I seek solitude to recharge after social interactions,” “My solitude is time for my hobbies, which get lost in the daily hustle,” “In silence, I can hear my true desires more clearly”).

Why it works: This exercise gives your actions meaning and legitimacy. The next time you feel guilty for turning down a noisy party, you can reread your manifesto and remind yourself: “This isn’t me being antisocial. This is my conscious choice for my own development.” It’s a powerful tool for self-support.

Example: You are not just an office worker bored at home on a day off. You are like Newton in his village, using this time for discoveries. You are like a writer gathering material for your next great chapter — the chapter of your life. A simple shift in perspective changes everything.

History shows us that by choosing solitude, we choose a path of strength, wisdom, and creativity. It is not an escape from the world, but a dive into its very essence — and into our own.

In the next chapter, we will move from theory to practice and learn how to take the first, safest, and most comfortable steps in mastering the art of being alone with yourself.

Chapter 4: First Steps: How to Start Spending Time with Yourself Without Panic