Бесплатный фрагмент - The science of happiness

Alexey Goldman
The science of happiness

THE SCIENCE OF HAPPINESS: Your Guide to Joy and Fulfillment

Introduction: Why Do We Need a Science of Happiness?

Dear friend! You’re probably searching for happiness — just like the rest of us. But it often seems to slip through our fingers like sand. We chase big goals, wait for perfect circumstances, or simply hope it will «somehow just happen.» Here’s the good news: Happiness is not a lottery ticket or a magic trick! It’s a skill, a state of mind, and a way of life that you can understand and master, drawing on research from psychology, neuroscience, and the experiences of thousands of people. This book is your practical compass. We will debunk myths, explore proven strategies, and, step by step, learn to build a happier, more fulfilling life — starting right now, without waiting for «someday.» Are you ready to embark on this exciting journey to yourself?

Chapter 1: What Is Happiness, Really? (Debunking the Myths)

«Just be happy!» — how often do we hear that phrase? Or we’re convinced: «Once I buy that new car / get that promotion / move to the seaside — then I’ll really start living!» Alas, our brains often deceive us about what truly brings deep satisfaction. Science clearly shows that many of our ideas about happiness are myths that lead to disappointment. Let’s face the truth.

Myth 1: Happiness is constant euphoria, ecstasy, and delight.

The Truth: Imagine an ocean. True happiness isn’t the intense but short-lived stormy waves (the joy of a purchase, a party, an unexpected gift). It’s more like the deep, calm current and clear water beneath the surface — a feeling of overall life satisfaction, inner peace, meaning, and harmony. Joy comes and goes in waves — these are wonderful peaks. But the stable background is the satisfaction that your life is generally on the right track, that you have reliable connections, and that you’re engaged in things that matter to you. It’s that deep-seated feeling that «everything is okay,» even when there are waves on the surface.

Imagine this:

Joy (The Peak): You’re eating the most delicious ice cream in the world — cold, sweet, melting in your mouth. You’re laughing with friends at a joke. You receive an unexpected compliment. It’s bright, pleasant, but fleeting.

Satisfaction (The Background): In the evening, you’re sitting in a cozy armchair. Your children (or loved ones) are healthy and sleeping peacefully at home. You feel the warmth and safety of that moment. You reflect on your day and realize you handled an important task, helped someone, or were simply honest with yourself. It’s not a burst of ecstasy, but a deep, quiet feeling of «yes, life is good.» This is the foundational feeling upon which peaks of joy are built.

Myth 2: Happiness depends only on grand events — a wedding, the birth of a child, winning the lottery, a trip around the world.

The Truth: Of course, major positive events cause a powerful surge of emotions! But research (like the famous study on lottery winners) shows something surprising: after about a year, happiness levels typically return to their usual «baseline.» This is called «hedonic adaptation» — we get used to our new status. Our daily well-being depends much more on small, regular «building blocks» of joy and satisfaction. These are the tiny moments that make up the fabric of our lives.

Examples:

The first sip of fragrant morning coffee when you have time to savor it, not just gulp it down on the run.

A sincere «thank you» from a colleague or stranger that you feel as warmth inside.

The satisfaction of checking a task off your to-do list — whether it’s a big project or just «sorting the mail.»

An unexpected ray of sunshine on your face on a cloudy day.

A minute of silence and peace in the bathroom before bed.

The smell of freshly cut grass or rain.

A hug from a loved one «just because.»

The feeling of cleanliness and order after tidying a small corner of your home.

Successfully completing a tiny step toward a big goal.

Important: These micro-moments may seem insignificant, but their power lies in their frequency and our awareness of them. By noticing and fully experiencing them, we constantly «recharge» our happiness system.

Myth 3: Happiness is having what others have (or more!). Money, status, a house, a car, the perfect family on social media.

The Truth (Expanded): Comparison is the most insidious killer of happiness. Especially in the age of social media, where people only display a carefully curated «highlight reel» of their lives — the most successful photos, the brightest moments, the most impressive achievements. We compare our everyday reality (with all its complexities, boredom, and troubles) to someone else’s «best version of themselves.» It’s like comparing a rough draft to a finished painting. The race for others’ ideals, for keeping up with the Joneses or that successful influencer, only leads to envy, feelings of inadequacy, and chronic dissatisfaction. Happiness is deeply personal and unique. What makes your neighbor, colleague, or influencer happy might be completely unimportant or even unpleasant to you.

Example: Imagine two friends:

Anna dreams of a high position in a large corporation, an expensive car, and life in the center of a metropolis. For her, these are symbols of success and happiness.

Maxim feels happy working as a forest ranger in a small village, living in a modest house with a garden where he grows vegetables, and having time to read books and walk his dog.

If Anna starts envying Maxim’s peace and closeness to nature, she’ll be unhappy in her office, even after reaching career heights. If Maxim starts comparing his income and «status» to Anna’s, he’ll stop appreciating his own lifestyle. The key is to understand what is important to you, not to chase after someone else’s trophies.

Myth 4: Happiness is a final destination. «Once I achieve X — then I’ll finally be happy!»

The Truth (Expanded): Imagine you’re driving to your dream vacation. If all you do is think about the destination, cursing the traffic, rain, and fatigue along the way, you’ll miss the beautiful scenery outside the window, interesting conversations with fellow travelers, and a delicious lunch at a roadside cafe. Happiness is not the destination, but the way you travel. It’s not a static state that one day arrives and stays forever. It’s a dynamic skill that can and should be developed every day through simple actions, mindfulness, and choosing your attitude toward what happens. «Someday» may never come, while life is passing by here and now.

Example (Practical): You want to learn English to get a better job and «become happy.» If you hate every lesson, cramming vocabulary, and are afraid to speak, then even reaching an Advanced level won’t make you truly happy — you’ll just breathe a sigh of relief. But if you find pleasure in the process itself — in the joy of understanding a new phrase, in funny English memes, in conversing with an interesting person in the language, even with mistakes — then happiness will accompany you throughout the entire journey, not just at the moment you receive a diploma or a new position.

Why Debunking Myths Is the First Step to Happiness?

If we chase illusions — eternal ecstasy, happiness from things, status through comparison — we are doomed to an endless race and disappointment. Understanding that true happiness is a sustainable sense of well-being born from within through meaning, connection with others, acceptance, and attention to small joys — this is liberating. It shifts the focus from external, often unattainable ideals, to what we can actually control: our actions, our attention, our attitude toward life right now. This is the foundation upon which all other practices are built.

Try This Today (Practice):

In the evening, take a sheet of paper, a nice notebook, or just a note on your phone. Write down 1—2 moments from today when you felt not just fleeting joy, but rather calm, deep satisfaction, or that «everything is okay» feeling.

What to Look For (Concrete Examples):

A sense of completion after clearing a pile on your desk (even just a small corner).

A moment of pleasant silence in the morning when you managed to just sit with a cup of tea.

A feeling of warmth and care when you helped a colleague understand a task (or when someone helped you).

Feeling proud of yourself when you managed to curb your irritation in a difficult conversation.

Satisfaction from making a simple but delicious dinner.

A feeling of security and coziness when you curled up in a blanket during the rain.

A moment when you simply watched a cat play or a child laugh, and felt peace wash over you.

Important: Don’t just list the event («dinner,» «silence»). Describe the sensation. What did you feel in your body? Warmth? Relaxation? Lightness? Where exactly? What was going through your mind? Was there a feeling of «I’m in the right place» or «things are going as they should»? Even if it was very brief.

Why: This practice trains your brain to scan the day not only for problems and stress (which it does by default) but also for these important, nourishing moments of satisfaction. Over time, you will start to notice them more often and appreciate them more.

Chapter 2: Is Happiness Inside Us? (The Importance of a «Happiness Mindset»)

Imagine two people stuck in the same terrible traffic jam.

The First: Bangs on the steering wheel, swears, curses everyone and everything, calls someone to complain. Their blood pressure skyrockets, their mood is ruined for the whole day, they feel like a victim of circumstances. Their whole world has narrowed to this damned traffic jam, and they literally blow its significance up to the scale of a universal catastrophe. By evening, they will bring this tension home, snap at their loved ones, and toss and turn in bed, reliving the situation over and over.

The Second: Takes a deep breath. Acknowledges: «Yes, traffic jam. This is unpleasant and a waste of time. But I can’t make it disappear with the power of thought.» Then they consciously choose their response: they turn on a favorite podcast or audiobook they’ve been putting off. Or they put on a playlist of music that energizes them. Or they simply observe the people in neighboring cars, wondering about their stories, the weather, the shape of the clouds. Or they use these 20 minutes to take a few mindful breaths, release tension from their shoulders, and just be in silence. They accept the situation as a fact they cannot influence right now and redirect their energy and attention to what they can control — their internal state and how they use this time.

What’s the fundamental difference? Not in the circumstances, but in their internal mindset, their habitual, often automatic, way of perceiving the world and reacting to it. Science (cognitive psychology, neuroscience) gives a clear answer: our outlook on life is not a rigidly set program, but a set of flexible thinking habits that can be consciously reprogrammed. And it is this internal «operating system» that has a stronger influence on our daily well-being and overall sense of happiness than many external factors we so often complain about. Let’s break down the key «settings» of a happy and resilient mind, as if we were tuning a powerful but finicky musical instrument.

Optimism vs. Pessimism: Which Lens Are You Wearing?

Optimists (especially realistic ones, not naive ones!) tend to interpret failures and difficulties through the lens of:

Temporariness: «It didn’t work out this time» (not «I never succeed»). They see light at the end of the tunnel, even if it’s distant.

Specificity/Locality: «I made a mistake on this issue» or «I’m just having an off day» (not «I’m bad at everything» or «Things always go wrong for me»). They don’t make mountains out of molehills or label themselves.

Manageability/Overcomability: «This is difficult, but I can do something to make it better. I can try a different approach, ask for help, break the task down.» They focus on solutions, not on the problem as an immovable monolith.

Pessimists often fall into the trap of:

Permanence: «It will always be like this.» One failure paints the entire future black.

Globalization/Personalization: «Everything is bad,» «I’m a failure,» «Life is unfair specifically to me,» «It’s all my fault.» They blow the problem out of proportion and take on non-existent blame for everything.

Hopelessness/Passivity: «Nothing can be changed,» «Nothing depends on me,» «Why even try?» This is a position of capitulation.

Great news (Confirmed by research, e.g., the work of Martin Seligman): Optimism can be learned! It’s not about plastering on a fake smile and ignoring problems. It’s about mental flexibility, proactivity, and faith in your own resources. How to train your «optimism muscle»?

Conscious Search for the Good: Your pessimistic brain is a master at finding problems. Balance it out! Every day, intentionally find and note (at least mentally, but writing is better) at least 3 things:

What went well today? (Even a small thing: a tasty breakfast, a good conversation, a green light at the intersection).

What can you be grateful for right now? (Health, a roof over your head, a child’s laughter, access to water).

What were you able to do? (Any, even tiny action: called your mom, finished a report, simply got out of bed).

Reframing Catastrophes: Catch your pessimistic thoughts (see practice below) and consciously «repackage» them into more realistic and constructive ones.

Focus on the Solution, Not the Problem: After acknowledging a problem, immediately ask: «What can I do about this right now, even if it’s very little?»

Who’s in Charge? (Locus of Control: Internal vs. External — Your Stance of Power)

This is your deep, often unconscious, belief about who or what controls your life and its outcomes.

Internal Locus of Control (I am the Captain): «I myself largely influence my life. My actions, choices, efforts, perseverance, and attitude are crucial. I am not a helpless twig in the ocean of circumstances. I can learn, adapt, influence the situation.» People with a strong internal locus more often take responsibility for their lives (not to be confused with guilt!), they are active in setting and achieving goals, cope better with stress (see it as a challenge, not a threat), and, as a result, are statistically happier, healthier, and more successful in the long run. They believe: «Fate is not a map, but a compass I hold in my own hands.»

External Locus of Control (I am the Twig): «Nothing depends on me. Everything is decided by circumstances, the boss, the government, the economy, luck/bad luck, other people (spouse, parents, children), fate/destiny. I’m just going with the flow.» This is a victim position, leading to passivity, helplessness, chronic discontent, and a sense of meaninglessness in making an effort. Energy is spent on complaints and blame, not on action.

How to Develop an Internal Locus and a Sense of Personal Power?

Focus on Your Circle of Influence (by Stephen Covey): Mentally draw two circles: a large one — your Circle of Concern (everything that worries you: politics, weather, others’ behavior, the past), and a small one inside it — your Circle of Influence (what you can really control or influence right now: your reaction, your next step, your attitude, your choice of words, your efforts on a specific task, your self-care). Direct 80% of your energy into the small circle! What can you concretely do right now?

Acknowledge Your Victories (even micro-ones): Don’t attribute successes only to luck or others’ help. Honestly acknowledge: «Yes, I tried hard, I found a solution, I showed perseverance.» This strengthens belief in your own abilities.

Analyze Failures Constructively: Instead of «Who’s to blame?» (especially looking for blame externally or in yourself as a «bad person»), ask: «What specifically can I do differently next time? What lessons did I learn? What resources (knowledge, skills, people) do I need?» Focus on future actions, not past guilt.

Take Responsibility for Your Choices: Even in difficult circumstances, you always have a choice in how to respond. Recognizing this is the first step to an internal locus. «I choose to stay calm,» «I choose to try again,» «I choose to ask for help.»

Self-Kindness (Self-Compassion): Your Inner Ally, Not Your Saboteur.

Imagine a situation: Your best friend is experiencing a failure — a project fell through, they had a fight with their partner, they broke their diet. What would you say to them? Most likely, something supportive: «Don’t beat yourself up, it happens,» «You did everything you could,» «I believe in you,» «Let’s think about how to fix it,» «I’m here for you.» Now imagine that you are in a similar situation. What does your inner voice say? Often, it’s a harsh critic: «You idiot!», «You always mess everything up!», «Screwed up again! You’re useless!», «You’re worse than everyone else!» We tend to treat ourselves with a merciless strictness we would never allow towards a dear person.

Self-compassion (pioneered by Kristin Neff) — is the art of treating yourself with the same understanding, support, and care you would offer your best friend in a difficult moment. It is a powerful resource for resilience and happiness.

It is NOT weakness: On the contrary, it requires immense inner strength and courage — to acknowledge pain without running from it or attacking yourself. It’s the foundation for healthy relationships with yourself and the world.

It is NOT self-indulgence: It doesn’t mean justifying inaction, bad habits, or poor behavior. It means acknowledging a mistake or difficulty as a human experience, without self-annihilation, and finding the strength to correct it or move forward out of love for yourself, not fear or hatred.

It is NOT self-pity: Pity immerses you in helplessness and isolation («Poor me, unhappy, the whole world is against me!»). Self-compassion is active care, combining a sense of common humanity («I am not alone in my suffering, all people make mistakes and face difficulties») and a desire to alleviate your suffering constructively.

The Three Pillars of Self-Compassion:

Mindfulness: Acknowledge and name your pain, discomfort, failure without exaggeration and without ignoring it. «Yes, I feel very sad/ashamed/scared/hurt right now. This is hard.» Without judgment, just stating a fact.

Common Humanity: Understanding that suffering, mistakes, and imperfection are an integral part of the shared human experience. «I am not alone. This happens to everyone. I am human.» This removes the feeling of isolation and shame.

Self-Kindness: An active desire to take care of yourself in this difficulty, as you would a dear friend. Speak warm, supportive words to yourself. Give yourself what you need: rest, understanding, forgiveness, a cup of tea, a talk with a friend.

How to Practice?

The Inner Friend Dialogue: In a moment of stress or self-criticism, ask: «What would I say to my best friend right now?» And say that to yourself. Use your name or «dear.» «Alex, this is really upsetting. You have the right to be upset. I’m here with you. Let’s think about what might help you right now?»

A Physical Anchor of Care: Place your hand on your heart or hug yourself. This is a simple but physiologically powerful gesture that sends your body a signal of safety and care, lowering stress levels.

Supporting Mantra-Phrases: «This will pass,» «I’m doing the best I can with the resources I have right now,» «To suffer is human,» «I deserve kindness, especially when things are hard,» «A mistake is an opportunity to learn, not a life sentence.»

Why is Mindset the FOUNDATION of Happiness? (Expanded Explanation)

Life is unpredictable. We cannot control traffic jams, crises, illnesses, losses, or other people’s behavior. But we can ALWAYS control (or learn to control) our response to these events. Our internal mindset is like a powerful filter and amplifier. If the filter is clogged with pessimism, a victim mentality, and self-flagellation, even a neutral event will be colored in dark tones, and a small problem will turn into a catastrophe. «Cleaning the lenses» and «adjusting the filter» — developing realistic optimism, strengthening an internal locus of control, and cultivating self-compassion — means:

Seeing opportunities and resources where others see only dead ends and limitations.

Maintaining calm and clarity of thought in stormy situations, without succumbing to panic.

Recovering faster from failures and life’s blows, without getting stuck in the swamp of self-criticism and pity.

Acting proactively, not just reacting passively to circumstances.

Building healthier relationships with yourself and others, based on respect and support, not blame.

This is not just «positive thinking.» This is psychological resilience, which is the foundation for long-term well-being and real, deep happiness that does not depend on momentary ups and downs. It is your inner shield and source of strength.

Try This Today (Practice «Thought Catcher and Reboot» — with detail):

Today your task is to become an attentive «catcher» of one of your negative or pessimistic thoughts and skillfully reframe it. It’s like reprogramming malicious software in your brain.

Hunt for the Thought: Throughout the day, be on alert. Catch one negative or pessimistic thought. It might sound like this:

«I’ll never succeed at anything!» (Pessimism: permanence, globalization)

«My whole day is ruined!» (Pessimism: globalization, catastrophizing)

«He did that on purpose to annoy me!» (Pessimism: personalization, mind-reading)

«I can’t do anything right!» (Pessimism: globalization, self-criticism)

«This is a catastrophe!» (Catastrophizing)

«Nothing depends on me!» (External locus of control)

Fix the Trophy: As soon as you catch it — write it down verbatim in a notebook or your phone’s notes. Or just say it clearly in your mind: «Aha, caught! My thought: [Repeat the negative thought verbatim].» Simply acknowledging its presence is already half the victory over automaticity.

The Reframing Workshop: Now consciously rewrite this thought. Make it:

More realistic: Remove exaggerations («never,» «everything,» «catastrophe»).

More specific: Narrow the scope to the specific situation, not your whole life.

More constructive: Find room for your own actions, control, or simply a more neutral view. Don’t force fake positivity («Everything is wonderful!»)! The goal is objectivity and the possibility of action.

Examples of a Reboot:

«I’ll never succeed at anything!» -> «I haven’t succeeded at this specific thing yet. What could I try doing differently? / What resources (knowledge, help) do I need? / I’ve handled similar difficulties before (remind yourself when).»

«My whole day is ruined!» -> «Today had some really tough moments (you can list 1—2 if you want). But there were also normal or even good moments (find at least one, even a tiny one: that tasty coffee, the lack of rain, a short pleasant conversation). Tomorrow is a new day with new opportunities.»

«He did that on purpose to annoy me!» -> «Maybe he’s just in a bad mood/has his own problems/didn’t think? His behavior wasn’t necessarily directed personally at me. I can choose how to react — not rise to the provocation or calmly find out the reason later.»

«I can’t do anything right!» -> «In this specific case, I made a mistake / the result didn’t meet expectations. I can do many things right (remind yourself what). What is this situation teaching me?»

«This is a catastrophe!» -> «This is a serious nuisance / a difficult situation. But it’s not the end of the world. What specific steps can I take to minimize the consequences or fix the situation? What’s the most important thing to do right now?»

«Nothing depends on me!» -> «There are things I can’t influence (e.g., [name them]). But there are things I can control (e.g., my reaction, my next action, my attitude, my request for help). I’ll focus on that.»

Record and Reflect: Write down the new, reframed thought next to the old one. Pay attention to the sensations in your body and emotions. What changed after the «reboot»? You often feel:

A slight sense of liberation, a drop in tension (in shoulders, stomach, jaw).

The appearance of a small glimmer of hope.

A feeling of greater clarity and control.

Simply a reduction in the intensity of the negativity.

Fix this sensation. The goal of the practice is not to make thoughts exclusively rosy, but to make them less toxic, more accurate, and to give space for action and calm. This is a workout for your «muscle» of conscious and constructive thinking — the cornerstone of a happy mindset.

Chapter 3: The Secret Power of Connection (How Relationships Make Us Happier)

Imagine two scenarios:

Scenario A: You’ve achieved huge success — won a major contract, published a book, ran a marathon. You return to your luxurious, but empty, house. There’s no one to share the joy with. The euphoria quickly fades, replaced by a strange emptiness.

Scenario B: You had the toughest day — everything went wrong, your boss took out their anger on you, a project failed. You come home feeling drained. But you’re met with warm hugs from your partner, a sincere question: «How are you really doing?», and a willingness to just listen, without advice or judgment. You feel the heaviness gradually lift, and a point of support emerges within you.

What’s the difference? The presence of high-quality, close relationships. One of the largest and most significant studies in the history of psychology — the Harvard Study of Adult Development, started in 1938 and still ongoing (over 85 years!) — yielded an incredibly simple and powerful conclusion: The single most important thing for our happiness, health, and longevity is the quality of our close relationships. Not wealth, not fame, not hard work, but warm, reliable connections with other people. This isn’t just a pleasant bonus to life; it’s a fundamental biological need, like air, water, and food.

Why does connection = happiness and health? Let’s uncover the mechanisms:

A Buffer Against Stress (The Neuroscience of Care):

When we feel the support and understanding of a close person, our brain literally changes its chemistry. The level of stress hormones — cortisol and adrenaline (the very ones that, with chronic exposure, destroy immunity, raise blood pressure, and increase the risk of heart disease) — decreases.

Simultaneously, the level of oxytocin — the «cuddle hormone» of trust and attachment — rises. Oxytocin has a powerful calming effect, reduces anxiety, and enhances feelings of safety and connection. A good, deep conversation with a loved one is a natural and powerful «medicine» for stress.

Example: Imagine telling a friend about your failure. You see understanding, not judgment, in their eyes. They say, «That sounds really hard, I understand your frustration.» You feel the knot in your chest begin to loosen and your breathing even out. You are not alone in your pain. This is oxytocin in action.

A Source of Meaning and Belonging:

Humans are social beings. We evolutionarily need to feel that we belong to a group, that we matter to someone, that our life has value in the eyes of others. Quality relationships provide this feeling of «we,» the sensation that you are part of something bigger.

Caring for loved ones, contributing to their well-being, sharing joys and sorrows with them — all this fills our lives with a deep meaning that goes beyond personal ambitions and needs. «Being needed» is a powerful source of happiness.

Example: Helping an aging parent, supporting a friend in grief, joy in a child’s successes, overcoming difficulties together with a partner — these are all moments where we transcend our own «self» and experience the genuine value and meaning of existence.

A Mirror for Growth and Self-Knowledge:

Sincere, trusting relationships are a safe space where we can be real, with all our strengths and weaknesses. Through feedback from loved ones (if given with kindness!), we get to know ourselves better, our blind spots, our true needs.

Overcoming inevitable conflicts and misunderstandings in healthy relationships teaches us empathy, compromise, and communication — skills critically important for happiness both inside and out.

Example: Your partner gently points out that you often interrupt when you’re excited. Instead of getting defensive, you ponder («Do I really do that? Why?») and try to be more attentive. It’s not always easy, but it’s growth that makes you better and the relationship stronger.

What are «Quality» Relationships? (This isn’t about perfection!):

It’s not about the number of friends on social media or acquaintances at a party, but the depth and reliability of a few key connections. Quality relationships are when with a person you can:

Be Yourself (Authenticity): Not wear a mask of the «ideal,» «strong,» or «successful» person. Allow yourself to be vulnerable, tired, doubtful, imperfect. Without fear of judgment or rejection.

Share What’s Deep (Vulnerability & Trust): Talk not only about the weather and work, but also about your fears, dreams, failures, shame, and joys that touch your soul. Trust that you will be listened to and understood, not that the information will be used against you.

Feel Support and Care (Support): Know that in a difficult moment you have someone to turn to — not necessarily for a solution, but for presence, listening, a simple «I’m with you.» And feel that you can also be such a support for them.

Experience Mutual Understanding and Respect: Feel that your worldview and values (at least the key ones) align or are respectfully accepted. Feel that your boundaries (physical, emotional, time-related) are acknowledged and not violated.

Receive and Give (Reciprocity — within reason!): Relationships are a two-way street. It’s important to both receive support and be able (and want!) to give it. But this doesn’t mean a strict tally of «you owe me, I owe you.» It’s a natural flow of care and attention.

«Recharging» Through Communication: The Magic of Real Contact:

It’s not enough to just «be nearby.» Quality time requires presence and attention. When you truly listen and are listened to:

The pleasure centers in the brain are activated. This brings joy and satisfaction in itself.

The feeling of loneliness (which, research shows, is worse for health than smoking 15 cigarettes a day!) disappears.

Your sense of self-worth is strengthened: You are seen, heard, valued.

Shared narratives and memories are created, becoming the «glue» of your relationship.

Care Goes Both Ways:

Receiving support is vital. Don’t be shy to ask for help — it’s a sign of strength, not weakness.

Giving support and caring for others is an incredibly powerful source of happiness (more on that in the chapter on kindness!). By helping, we feel useful, connected to others, and distracted from our own problems. Altruism is selfish in the best sense of the word!

Why is this the MOST IMPORTANT ingredient? (Expanded Awareness):

Without strong, warm connections, even the most successful, healthy, and wealthy person feels an existential emptiness and loneliness. We are biologically wired for connection. Infants without contact and attachment do not survive physically. Adults without quality relationships «die» emotionally and often age faster physically. Investing in relationships is not a waste of time; it’s the most important investment in your own happiness, health, and longevity. It’s creating your «psychological safety net» — the network that will hold you up in any storm.

Try This Today (Practice «Deep Dive Conversation» — with details and nuances):

This practice is about quality of presence, not long hours. Choose one close person (partner, friend, relative, adult child) with whom you want to strengthen your connection.

Intention and Preparation:

Tell yourself: «For the next 15 minutes, I am dedicating my full attention to [Person’s Name]. I want to understand and feel what’s on their mind and in their heart.»

Eliminate Distractions:

Put your phone in another room or put it on silent mode and place it face down (don’t just «set it aside»! ).

Turn off the TV, radio, computer.

Choose a relatively quiet place. If you have kids, arrange for a time when you won’t be disturbed (at least for these 15 minutes!).

Give a heads-up: «I’ve got 15 minutes, and I want to have a real talk with you, no distractions.»

Starting the Conversation (The Key is an Open Question!):

Ask a question that invites a deep answer, not a «yes/no» or formality. Examples:

«How are you really doing?» (Ask with a sincere tone!).

«What was the most draining thing (energetically, emotionally) for you today/this week?»

«What was the most joyful or interesting thing for you lately?»

«What are you most dreaming or worrying about right now?»

«How can I be useful to you right now?» (Be ready for an answer!).

The Art of Truly Listening (Active Listening):